Kink 'n' Ink

YAY! Meeting in The Hague with beloved friends *O*. We assembled over at someone’s house and got served an awesome dinner with freshly made pita bread (super awesome coolbeans!!!). Then we where off to the play party
We arrived around 9 ish I think and I had a great evening. Spoke with a lot of old friends and new acquaintances and just had a blast overall. I still find it a tad bit annoying to have no (play)partner at these parties though, but I’m learning to cope.
My way to cope however is to go into social mode, which is not always the mode I want to be in, but it works to survive those semi empty feelings on the inside
I was having a weird night and was switching all over the place but I stabilized myself by just hanging out and being sociable

Unfortunately something crap also happened. I had a run in with a Dumbinatrix.

Dumbinatrix [Etymology];
Derived of the words Dumb [lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted.] & Dominatrix [a woman who plays the dominant role in a sado-masochistic sexual relationship or encounter.].

Dumbinatrix [Practical Example];
A Dominatrix, or Domme, who feels her version is the only version of the truth. There is no room for error on her side and everyone should bow to her whims. Everyone else is a lesser being, yes, that includes you.

As a back story it’s necessary to know that I know more about this person then I care to know. Lets just say that my general opinion of her isn’t positive. However, up till past Saturday I didn’t really have any personal issues with her, besides my decision that I just never wanted to have contact with her.

Aforementioned Dumbinatrix was talking to a friend of mine and apparently she had the coolest party trick ever: she could see what way you swing with BDSM.
She told my friend that he was submissive (which is correct, but she could have easily just seen that since he was getting whipped about an hour ago…) and she went on to pull me into the conversation and said that I was a submissive too.
I pointed out that her observation wasn’t correct and that I was dominant too but she kept stating ‘no, you are a sub’. This pissed me off to begin with but wasn’t the worst part.
After my ‘you know, you don’t know me and you base this on how I stand before you right now, you have no clue how I feel or how I identify at all, so I really think your ‘insight’ is useless‘ she asked me if I was a switch, which I confirmed.

Lo and behold, here comes the part where I got pissed off beyond any reasonability…

‘Oh but switches are not truely dominant, they’re just subs that can’t make up their mind‘. I was flabbergasted and she went on; ‘switches don’t count as real dominants‘. Now, at this point, I was literally biting my tongue. Mostly because what would have come out would NOT have been polite.
I stopped talking to her at that point and went to cuddle another friend of mine.

Later on in the evening she came up to me and said that she was sorry if I felt offended by her gospel of truth. I told her it was irrelevant. She said it wasn’t. I said ‘Yes it is, I didn’t want anything to do with you before tonight and nothing that happened changed that‘.

She pissed me off royally with those stupid remarks but there’s more about her behavior that sits wrong with me.
First: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover;
Just because I cuddle people, suck my thumb and someone tests a whip on my arm, does not make me a sub. Just like me hitting someone, talking sternly or whatever doesn’t make me dominant. It just makes me ME. A curious person that likes to test things.
Second: don’t insult me and then expect me to forgive you as if it’s nothing;
Not only did she voice her narrow minded opinion about me, she pretty much said that all switches (and I have quite some friends who qualify) are ‘lesser beings’. You do not get away with insulting my friends. Period.
Third: Just because you want to treat everyone like crap so you can feel like Mistress Dominatrix Warrior Princes Amazonian Goddess that doesn’t mean all dominants are like that;
I actually prefer treating the people around me as actual human beings. I give everyone a base layer of respect that they can build on (with me) and I hope I get that base layer back. If not, then you are not the kind of person I want to have in my life.
Fourth: You may identify as dominant, but you are not MY dominant;
therefore, any assumptions that I might actually care about what the fuck you have to say about me and who I am are flawed. I don’t give a rats ass. You’re not an important factor in my life. Just a nuisance that helps me stay awake and reminds me that some people are still morons.

Her attitude towards others makes my skin crawl. The way she talks to people as if they are less then her just makes me want to strangle kittens. I wasn’t the only person she graced with her presence and I know that there are more people who felt that she crossed a line in decency. I’m happy that these people noticed themselves that they had a serious case of a Dumbinatrix in front of them.

What I pity though is that people like her give BDSM a bad rep. There are too many people of all the flavors (top, bottom, sub, switch, dom, masochist, whatever!) that operate with a similar MO to hers. They take playpartners by the truckload and spit them out abused and empty once they get bored (which is usually pretty fast). Broken kinksters (in the bad way) that distrust everything and anyone, don’t know where their limits are anymore and feel emptier then ever. In the worst cases people actually disappear out of the scene. Some for a while to recuperate, some forever and we never hear of them again.

Why do I have an issue with that?
Because it’s people like me who keep picking up after these types of people.

I do it because I have a spark with the person that they dropped, because I care about them. Because they might be my friends. And it pisses me off to no avail that a Dumbinatrix fucked up a person so  they need repairing before they can actually give themselves to anyone else. I don’t mind helping out those I love, I really don’t but it’s just such a shame that it’s necessary to begin with.

Playpartners like the above mentioned Dumbinatrix are also one of the reasons why I am picky with D/s-es. I haven’t had a D in my life for 12 years and I’m s-less for about a year now. Not because I want to be, or because there are no great people out there, there are. It’s because I feel there is something more important then just feeding that BDSM-hunger I have. If I make a connection with someone in the shape of a D/s, I want it to have a meaning.

The hunger can be fed by having an awesome support network of friends. Friends that will give you a whipping when you need it, a cuddle when they want to and are there for you not only with actions but with words. People you can trust to look after you for the time being, when you don’t have that special person (or persons) that will actually make that deeper connection with you in your life.

The Dumbinatrix probably doesn’t know that the world can work like that. Because that means they might have to put their wrongfully inflated ego away for a while and have some interest in their fellow human beings. Dumbinatrixes are not capable of this and trying to make them see it is a struggle that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. You can’t point out behavioral errors to people that have no self-reflection.

There is no way the Dumbinatrix will accept the posibility of her not being perfect.
Thus, she never learns.