Learning Curves

It’s not really a secret but I’ve been feeling crappy the past few months. I’ve been getting some answers to issues I have (or had) and it feels as if the end of it isn’t even near yet.

Ever since I realized I need / want an Alpha I’ve had a hard time to control my actual submissiveness. Partially by choice (I want to learn to open up to those people that I trust) and partially I’m having a really hard time controlling it during non private moments because of the emotional roller coaster I’m sitting in.
This includes work for instance and I am quite pissed off at myself for having these issues. It’s just really not practical when you’re working with people who are unstable.

This past week was great, but also really friggin’ hard!
A friend of mine stayed over at my place while I had a few days off. I showed him around Amsterdam and we did retarded touristy shit. We also cuddled a lot. He’s pretty much a person like I am; if I am comfortable with people I can (and want to) be physically close to them. This is something I remember from being younger too, I’ve always been a hyper-tactile person. I remember that my mom had a hard time teaching me NOT to hug strangers that where nice to me and when my puberty hit I remember that I got taught to not touch boys, since guys aged 15 might not take my friendly hugs and cuddles as just , friendly. My close friends also know that if I’m truly relaxing I’ll be sucking my thumb and stroking soft fabrics with the other hand

When my friend was over I noticed how hard coded that ‘do not touch’ thing is with me these days and I’m quite happy that it faded pretty fast while being with him. Mostly because he knows I don’t mean it sexual per se, but I just like hugging, cuddling and touching people that mean something to me (well that and his t-shirt had that faded cotton feel to it that makes me weak in the knees:P). Anyway, it’s another one of those things I need to put on my ‘list of shit to deprogram out of myself’. I really do enjoy being physically close to people and I need to find a balance in it.

Yesterday I spent time with some friends I care a lot about. These are also people who help me to get in touch with who I am as a person and they don’t judge me for anything. Anyhow! In being with them I feel more and more relaxed in letting myself just be me. I’m relaxed and I feel very much at home. Little ‘rules’ are starting to form and I feel really safe with this group in the aspect that I am less afraid to show my vulnerable side.

The downside is that my emotions act up a hell of a lot harder. I am envious of the things others do have (their own Caretaker/Dom(me)/Whatever) even though I wouldn’t even feel the right connection to the specific D person. It’s more that I feel empty afterwards.

During the times we are together I feel a lot of support and I am starting to ask it when I need support but I still need to learn so much. I feel like a friggin’ n00b all over again and it’s not entertaining at all. I know they would be willing to give me a big hug and talk with me even when I’m feeling emotionally exhausted like I am now, I just learn to ask!

Luckily I still have tomorrow off (WOOOOT) and I’m running on about 20 hours of sleep in the past 4 days so I’m probably also just very tired