I’m an Oxymoron! (Seska; The Submissive Alpha Female)

This past weekend I’ve had the great opportunity to hang out with lovely people, meet some friends I’ve never before seen and make new friends at the same time! All in all it was a quite hectic but really good weekend in all!

Most interesting was how all of the conversations coming in and going out went through a filter in my head. I’m starting to piece together the weird puzzle of my submissive side.

One of the new friends I met this weekend actually put a LOT of the issues I have with my submissive side (and finding a Dominant that matches). In about 2 hours he pretty much managed to sum up the source of the problem; I’m an Alpha Female.

In all we agreed in something comprehendable as a description: The Alpha Female is a woman that is strong, confident and makes a impression. She takes charge and can be an inspiration on different levels.

I’ve only come to terms with being Alpha about a year or 4 ago, when I finally shed the skewed relationship I was in and started to accept who I am and celebrate life. My Dominant side has most certainly developed a ton in that time. I am confident, sexy, in control, self-aware and I radiate all of these qualities.

It comes naturally to me to make people follow, respect and obey me. Mind you, I don’t mean this in a derogatory way! It’s just a thing I do, and people accept (and expect?) it of me.

Yes I value and respect others a lot, but when it boils down to leadership, I am one of the people who feels taking charge is a logical and normal thing to do for themselves. I’m good at it, I can steer people in the right direction and I can respectfully correct them if needed.

This Alpha-ness (for lack of a better term) is something I also have in relationships. Now as the case if with BDSM it seems like a friggin nightmare for me to find a Dominant that I find ‘acceptable’ as a partner in crime. I couldn’t place my finger on the why or how, but after this weekend, I think I know why.

As a Alpha, I need to have an Alpha that will be the boss of me.

Someone I look up to, not because (s)he is my Dominant, or because I want to. Those things are too ‘easy’.

I need to look up to the Dominant party because that’s what/who they are.

They have to be Alpha over me. For me to submit to someone, I need to know they are my superior.

And that’s where my issue resides; I have never met anyone who is qualified for that job.

There are some people I consider very very close to being Alpha over me, but they are not available as a BDSM partner, so not interesting in this context.