Sure, everyone likes to pretend that it’s not the case but especially in the Netherlands (where I live) people as a whole are judgemental pricks who like to put down all that is different. I won’t pretend I’m above this, because I’m not. I’m only a human being myself afterall.

Somewhere in the article people are referring to being gay being ‘better’ then having a preference for fat partners. It’s ridiculous when you think about it, but it’s true. There’s been some research in the past that pointed out that boys in high school who discover that they like the maxisexy go through exactly the same stress, peer-pressure and get treated as social pariah’s as boys who discover that they’re gay.

The same can be said for fat chicks and gay men in general. Though being fat isn’t as easy to hide as staying closeted as a 17 year old gay guy. Some people speculate that this is why most gay guys have a fat chick as their preferred faghag. We know what the other party went through in high school. Knowing that the other half of your dating pool will have a hard time admitting that they are attracted to you.

One of the most heard phrases when it comes to guys dating me (or dating fat chicks in general) is ‘but you could do so much better’.
Really…
Would you have said that to the guy if he was dating a brunette instead of a blonde? Or if she had glasses instead of 20/20 vision?!
There is a slim to no chance of me ever spending time with a guy who dated me ‘as a second choice’. I don’t date second choices myself either (I think I deserve better than that, everyone does). Belitteling people for their relationship choices is sad, doubting their sanity is even worse.

Being ridiculed in high school for being fat was something that didn’t happen that much to me. When I was 13 I got into a fight about it with someone and I walked away while they had to go to the school nurse. No, I’m not proud of this and I’m not a physically aggressive person, but this guy was pushing my buttons over and over until he actually shoved me and I snapped. After that though, no one hassled me. I learned to be deflective by using one of my many traits, humor and a sassy attitude. I still use both of those things today to deflect and the combination of it made me into a tremendous flirting machine. Though I didn’t learn that till well into my 20′s.

From my 14th to my 25th (give or take) 49 out of 50 guys who would approach me would turn out to be asshats who just wanted to pull a prank at expense of the fat chick. And that is probably why I’m one of those people who are quite hard to date. With every guy who approaches me all my alarms go online to the extreme. I seem cool at first, uninterested maybe even. Because yes, I am indeed wondering when your friends will catch up and everyone will have a laugh at the gullible fat chick.
I know that there is a chance that you are attracted to me because I’m simply your type. That you’re probably overcoming your own social fears by hitting on me, but it will take time for me to actually believe that and feel it.

So, some people think that getting a fat chick is easier. Maybe because of the self-esteem issues we (well I) have, but I can assure you, we’re not. I for one have learned to trust my instincts, maybe a bit too good even. I’m definitely not an easy woman to court. Next to all the insecurities any woman might have, I have the added bonus of people paving the way with retarded actions that have made me cautious of anyone approaching me. One of the things that will assure me is letting me know that you’re aware of my size, and letting me know you’re okay with it. Or even better, that I’m your type.

Here is the only catch: I will not tell you I want to bottom to you. You have to push my buttons and figure it out. If I have to tell you I want to bottom to you then it is a good chance I will never sub to you and I’ll only bottom to you on rare occasions. I need my top/Dom to be able to read me from the beginning. I have no problem speaking my mind or sharing what I need, but that first meeting is a dance. That first meeting involves a kinky tango of thoughts and desires swimming around in my head to see who is the leader.

Now thát is exactly how it works for me and it probably explains a lot about why, despite being in the BDSM scene for over 10 years, I have only bottomed about 10 times and had a whopping total of 1 experience in which I actually submitted to someone.

It might not be fair to ‘demand’ the person that is Dominating / Topping me knows me from the start.
We all come with a manual and having others figure out mine is a pain in the butt for them. If I’d be at work I’d tell my clients ‘it’s easier if you explain your manual to me so I can actually interact with you in a productive way’. That’s work though and work to me doesn’t compare to relationships with such a intense bond as I need in a D/s or T/b.

Now I could write a extensive how-to on the BDSM fragment that’s in me (the Nerd side already has one, courtesy of Michael Lopp).
But for the most part I am like any other person on this planet: I want a connection, I want someone to be interested in me and I especially want to be conquered.
I try to be open enough about the basics so that people who pay attention, have some basic math skills and a decent amount of IQ points actually know where the buttons could be. But actually pushing them, that’s up to the person in question.

Being a switch is a confusing thing since I have to dance that kinky tango with every potential partner I meet. In the past years I’ve become quite good at the steps involved in the dance and because of my dominant personality I usually ended up leading. When meeting up with switches that’s the route it takes most often. When meeting up with Dominants, I usually end up clashing too much because they either can’t find the buttons, won’t look past my tough exterior or they just aren’t the Alpha male over my Alpha female . When meeting up with submissives, well, you do the math.

Recently I’ve been told ‘you demand too much’.
But what is too much? As far as simply bottoming goes I’ll settle for a person who has mostly overlapping interests and that I have a spark with. I don’t need nor want the huge romantic sweeping away feeling but a friendship that goes past just kink and fucking would be nice.

It’s no secret that I’m mildly frustrated about my lack of kink activities and I’m working on opening up a bit more, giving more people more chances but I truly feel that by having high my standards I’m not being a snob.

If I look back at how I thought 8 years ago that’s already a significant change in my perspective. I used to think I would only be able to interact on the BDSM play field with a person I loved. Then again, 8 years ago I still thought I was a monogamous creature. Being poly and open has helped out a lot with getting my ‘checklist’ of happiness cleared up.
This is also what probably poses one of the problems I have with finding a suitable play partner.  By knowing what I want I just won’t settle for less when it comes to actually submitting to someone. I’ve done that in the past and if I have to pick between being mildly frustrated from no play at all or being frustrated because some needs are met but others are being ignored I rather go for the first option.

In the past year I’ve started bottoming / being a guinea pig  to some friends whom I trust. It’s going really well. Some bondage here, needles there and I’m exploring what I can handle when it comes to just bottoming and not submitting. For me there is a distinct difference between the two. I can have a great needle experience with one of my friends, but I’m not submitting to her. She’s my equal and I respect her tremendously. Hell I’m thankful she can practice the pointy things on me and I get a huge adrenaline/endorphine rush out of it. But I’m not submitting. The difference is probably lies in temporarily (I’m not a 24/7 type) giving up everything I am to a person versus sharing on a equal base.

I’m starting to understand that I can enjoy bottoming as much as I enjoy submitting, but it’s just a different flavor in the ice cream truck. Despite the fact that I’m craving submission, I’m also content with eating up some bottoming (I love metaphors). Now, finding partners to bottom too, that’s something I should probably start investing in more seriously. Only now that I’m typing this I realize I can and want to do that. Even if it’s just to build up experience on that side of being a switch.

Eventually a person who wants to conquer me will come along and I’ll get my chance to submit.

As I’ve phrased it on my FetLife profile:

If you want to know if I could be your girl, you’ll have to work for it.
I’m a submissive woman with a dominant personality, I’ll challenge you intellectually, physically and mentally.
Overpower me and I’ll probably stay down.
If you want to experiment, practice bondage, test whippy things or have wild monkey sex with me being the bottom, sure!
Actual submitting from my side will probably eat up your patience for a deal.
I’m worth it, I’m sure of that, but just know what you’re getting into.

That last sentence is why I don’t think I’m demanding too much when it comes to actually submitting.
I. Am. Worth. It.

January

The new year started on a serious downer. I was looking at impending unemployment, had to change a lot of shit around to make ends meet with my salary and I really didn’t see how to get out of the valley.
Halfway through the month I got news that I could in fact stay at work, which lifted most of the pressure off of me and enabled me to breathe.

February

The month I decided to install Windows 7 (and I actually like it *gasp*) and I turned 29. The last year as a 20-something girl. February was a bit ‘dull’ as a month. I mostly filled it with enjoying my new Xbox 360 and playing Dragon Age like the good little nerd I am.
I also started postcrossing this month which I still do to this very day. Getitng random cards from strangers in between all the bills and spam just makes me happy. Random acts of kindness are so rare and something we all need so much.

March

March 11th I bought Final Fantasy 13 and played it through to the end in about a week or 2.
Also the month where an interview I gave for the college paper about BDSM appeared.
In March one of my (former) lovers moved to Berlin with his other girlfriend, I missed him dearly but keeping in touch through Skype worked pretty well.
Also had one of my WoW friends over from the US, had an awesome time visiting the van Gogh museum (which I would return to in a few months) and being dorks in general.
I started dating again in March, which I’d continue doing all through the year (quite vigorously too). Experimented with anal sex again and I figured out I’m an oxymoron.

April

The Mumford & Sons month. I must have played this song about 981623476 times in the past year and I still love it to bits.

In this month I got to know people I’ve always loved from a distance and we had talks deep into the night on IRC, went shopping in Amsterdam and went to parties together. In 2010 I’d grow closer to every single one of them, realizing that a family is what you make, not what you get born into.
April was already a warm month in the Netherlands. I spent quite some time reading on my balcony in a makeshift pillow corner. James T. Kirk got to go outside for the first time since he moved in with me in November 2009.

May

May started out with the Hamburg Fetish Fair. I loved every second of it, being in a place where I truly feel I belong. It was also the first time I realized I’ve been aching for a dominant party in my life (the job is still open, lol) and where I finally admitted to myself that age play pushes my buttons (everyone else already knew apparently, thanks for notifying me guys ). I bought myself a present, handcuffs, custom made by Matthias Fuchs from Nonon de Florette. It would take about a month for them to arrive but they where worth the wait.
Installed Spotify on my iPhone, still using it to this day and loving it a lot. Making playlists based on series I watch (Supernatural, True Blood).
Also the month where the dynamic duo of ‘Lof & Wichtje’ was born. Still going strong with my purely platonic lesbian lover :’)

June

June was probably one of the busiest months for me.
Had my first couchsurfer over since forever. We had a blast walking around Amsterdam, indulging in extracurricular activities and stood next to Kofi Anan in the Rijksmuseum. Exchanged some words with one of the most powerful men on earth and in fitting Seska fashion off course I didn’t realize who he was until we where out of the museum, lol.
I finally got into the groove of hanging out on terrace’s with co-workers in the sun and had my first ever Marroccan barbecue with my co-workers, including my first ever bong smoking (it was just apple tobacco!).
Elections where going strong in the Netherlands and it took a record time (well almost) to actually form a coalition and a government. I followed the elections closely and indulged in the live twitter thing people do at huge events like this.
Found a new doctor who got me shifted to other meds which are working way better for me. I’m tired less and feel better in general. My doc knows about my BDSM lifestyle and she’s not judgmental at all, she rocks.

July

Big decisions to be made. I got another position offered to me at work and after some pro’s and con’s decided not to do it.
Soccer was high in this month, but I ignored it pretty well (I don’t have any interest in the sport ).
More dating! I really like OKCupid for dating to be honest. I’ve tried some other sites but I’m not willing to pay for a dating service.
Kink related dating sites still suck balls by the way, maybe I should look into setting one up that isn’t horrendous.
I discovered that dating a vanilla and monogamous creature just doesn’t work for me. Especially not when they force me into thinking mono again.
Also discovered that there are some awesomely cute kink friendly, cuddle addicted,  poly nerds out there that DO get how I want to live my life and started dating one.
Had my IUD replaced for the first time, went pretty smooth and only had 2 days of ‘ouch’. Next time to replace it I’ll be 34 (weird thought!).
On July 24th (24/7) I instigated a BDSM tinted picknick in the Vondelpark. Didn’t think it would be that popular but we had a show of around 30 people

August

My mom fesses up that she’d have probably been poly if that was accepted in her time. She knows I’m dating multiple people (with consent in all parties) and loves me for taking my own path.
Henry Rollins live in Paradiso with his spoken word. I love this man with whole of my heart and then some <3
At a party I have a run in with a Dumbinatrix… Frustrating people who test the ends of my patience.
I also tap into my sadistic side by drooling over some pictures of powerplay.
Lost a lover this month. Sometimes people grow apart, sometimes people stomp out of your life in a fit of rage. I stayed pretty calm all through it and it’s okay. Later on in 2010 he’d apologize and we’d be civil to each other.
Played with a D for the first time in err, EONS in August. It was enjoyable and scary. It wouldn’t get a follow up, but at least I know I can submit to someone now.

September

I help out with the Usual Suspects (a kink un-conference) by doing some translating and promotion. Always wished there was more to the Dutch kink scene then there is and as a information-slut I just had to wiggle my way into helping out with this awesome event.
Together with Wichtje and Cuddlebud I go into IKEA just looking for frames (which I won’t find in the right measurements…) and walk out with a chaise-longue for my sofa
The covering of the addable part is a bit of a nightmare though and it will take me about 2 weeks before my ‘new’ sofa is put together.
Went all the way to Belgium to visit friends and had a blast. Great food, awesome conversations and we had fun helping them out paining the room for their (by now born) baby.
Another date, this time with a guy that would turn out to be a bit of a weirdo. Stories that don’t match up and a reminder that not everyone is honest in their relationships.
One of the many attempts in which I try to quit smoking. I’m still working on it today, but I’m already down to 4 – 7 cigarettes a day (opposed to the pack I was smoking a day again).

October

The Usual Suspects un-conference was in this month and lordy did that unearth some major stuff! (LIKE HUGE STUFFS DUDE YOU KNOW RIGHT?). I met awesome new people, saw old friends again, got introduced to needles and after the un-conference I went out with another friend to the weirdest concert this year so far (Of Montreal).
There’s something distinctly disturbing about men in skin tight outfits dancing around with paper mache shrimp masks on their head… I don’t care how kinky I am, that shit just freaked me out!
I discover the Appletini after the much enjoyed PEN!DU!LUM! concert. Dear LORD this beverage was made for me
Started physical therapy for my back (and to build stamina), after the 9 times paid by my insurance Cuddlebud gave me his old training bike. I still ride it 4 times a week
Went to a Sultry Sunday Soiree with Madison Young together with Wichtje and it was awesome. Despite the fact that watching porn with 30 strangers is at the least to say awkward.

November

Once again I got notified that my contract would be terminated upcoming March. It pissed me off (this was the 9th time I would be in this situation work wise). I was depressed and bitter for about 2 – 3 weeks and then decided to just get over it. To my surprise that actually worked like a charm and I just went on to do my job.
November was a good one with a lot of moral support from dear friends (both ways) and a lot of laughs.
The bi-weekly Sessions with Sessie are a staple with me and one of my friends, ordering in Roti every single time and talking about nonsense with each other.
Discovered that my ‘filter’ fades when I smoke THC and I start yelling shit at the TV.
Cuddlebud and I owned up to liking each other more then just a little bit and even though we don’t want to label anything it’s feeling pretty good.

December

Maybe because I’m still in this month, and maybe because it’s just true, December seems like the busiest month I’ve had all year.
Lots of awesome activities with my co-workers, evenings out with friends, relaxing in the snow and concerts and plays with Wichtje.
I celebrated the holidays with friends and loved ones, gave gifts I thought fitted the people and received more love then I even thought possible.
Picked up painting again (this week actually) and last week my manager came up to me with good news.
I can stay at the company for another year if I want. I do, I like my job, I love my life, my friends and my social network.

2011

I’ll turn 30 this year and I’m getting my bachelor degree (promise!).
2011 Is a year in which I’ll work on myself and the relationships I’m in. Be it friends, co-workers or enemies (we all need a nemesis!).

With only ~51 hours to go, I hope 2011 will bring you guys as much awesomeness as I can put into this Mary Poppins bag I have right here
*raises Appletini and winks*

]]> http://www.kinknink.com/archives/288/feed 0 http://www.kinknink.com/archives/244 http://www.kinknink.com/archives/244#comments Sun, 10 Oct 2010 10:00:45 +0000 Seska http://www.kinknink.com/?p=244

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
- Buddha

“It was like summer camp, when it started, I didn’t know my place and if I’d fit in.
When it ended I just didn’t want to go home.”
- Seska

The quotes above just describes the entire experience I had yesterday during the The Usual Suspects Unconference (TUS).

First of all a HUGE thanks to the facilitators of what I can already call the best conference I’ve ever been to in my life up till now (TUS 2011 might beat it, hahaha).
Second a HUGE thanks to all the people that where there during the day, I think it was a grand total of around 50 / 60 people that participated and I feel proud and honored to have been one of you guys.

I arrived at the COC building around 11.30 and pretty quickly registered and got my name tag sorted (brilliant idea to give the non Dutchies a orange name tag, lol). Apparently I had been the first person to pre-register so I was at the top of the list (Yeah, I’m eager that way). When entering I already got spotted by the lovely Daria and together we went in for a day filled with information.

Still giddy like a schoolgirl since I actually am quite shy in person. I’m just not that great at walking up to people and going ‘oh hai!’ Luckily other people actually do have the balls to do this so I did get into some cool pre-conference talks with lovely people. The coffee was STRONG, but I like it that way, waking up is hard without caffeine, lol. I recognized a lot of people from FetLife and I actually think I also recognized people from some other websites. Strangely, ‘knowing’ these people from the interwebs does make it easier to go up to them and say ‘Hey, I saw your bondage pic on FL, pretty kick-ass!’. I pretty much need a bridge to contact people instead of just doing ‘cold aqcuisition’.

The atmosphere was open and welcoming from the start and I got a awesome hug from Spicy, who I at first didn’t recognize, expecting a burly bald white guy, teehee. I had been helping out with some promotion and spreading flyers in the weeks before and we had some contact about that, it was awesome to finally put a face to a person who (together with the other organizers) managed to create such an awesome event in only 6 weeks time (project managers, eat your heart out!)

We waited a tad bit longer for some of the traffic jam people and after they arrived the conference was opened by a great explanation of the unconference model and how we where going to spend the day. Together we created the program, which at first felt a bit chaotic (I am Dutch after all) but after a few minutes chaos just organizes itself. I love love love seeing a group come together and creating something in minutes that might take a single person weeks.

The program was beefy, I can tell you that! Workshops and discussions included bondage, rope making, neeldeplay, rough body play, prostate milking, female ejaculation, photography, femdom, whips ‘n fun, tantric massage, chocolate fetish (dear lord the pepper chocolate!), ethical slutting, hypnosis and probably a LOT of other things I just can’t recall right now. All these subjects where participant driven and every single person was responsible for making this conference a success (mission accomplished in my humble opinon!).

In between all the workshops and discussions we where taken care of so awesomely by the organizers and friends. The food was delicious (and vegetarian friendly, awesome choice!) and the drink arrangement was simple yet effective. Take a drink? Pay some money in a jar, no need for anyone to be bored behind a bar

The first workshop I attended was Whips ‘n Fun. Given by the ever awesome QT and Hans. Small confessions to be made: I’ve always admired both of them for who they are and how they move around in the BDSM scene. Great people with a vast amount of knowledge and I still feel honored and happy to have been able to participate in their knowledge.
Most of the information about flogging and single tails wasn’t new to me, but it was really great to see the various methods of using both types of whips.
My reason for following this workshop was entirely selfish: I want to learn how to wield single tail whips. All the times that I have wielded these I end up barely hitting the target and having a huge backlash on myself (yes, I managed to whip off my glasses even) and I was wondering what would be handy tips and tricks to get this thing under control.
As it turns out, single tails and the wielding of them really is just a hell of a lot harder then using floggers. What it will take me is practice, a lot of it.
Finally got the chance to handle one of the whips made by Lofty and I already know where some of my (tiny) savings will be going in the next months.

After the whips I sat in on an explanation on tantric massages, very informative and very enlightening how the differences between a normal and a tantric massage actually work. I really liked how genitalia and the likes aren’t ‘skipped’ in massages. After all, it’s just another (intimate) part of your body! This was the first workshop I did apply the law of two feet in. Not because it wasn’t interesting, but because I wanted to head out to the photography area.

Downstairs Chell and Anouk where explaining to the other photo-philiacs how to optimize taking pictures. Daria used to / is one of the people that shoots my pics for the BBW sites (I’ve been inactive for a while now though) and she and Anouk had some great interaction abusing me as a model. I’m a camera whore… It’s a thing I’ve always known but it was so great to be a model again, even just for a little while. They gave some tips (communicate with your model, don’t be afraid to move in, use lighting, use surroundings, use height if you’re smaller, etc) and I’m really curious how the pics taken have come out. I’m also really curious how the pics that Daria takes (even in nilla life) are going to improve just from those few simple tips. You women did an awesome job explaining and teaching!

Next up was a workshop on knife and needle play! Given by a blood-professional and aided by 2 other awesome men who have experience in playing with needles. It was amazing how much I already knew about both types of play but I also learned so many new things! The group asked questions, offered suggestions and at a certain point I felt so at home in this group of people that I realized what I had been missing all these years. Sharing knowledge and experiences is so important to grow as a person and I felt like I grew a mile yesterday At the end of the workshop there was asked if I wanted to try having a needle in me. Now, besides medical reasons I never have needles in me. Quite frankly, before I became a diabetic I was scared shitless of having my blood drawn and the likes. But I did it The lovely Voodoowoman held my hand while a needle was placed in my arm…
‘Oh, Hai Mr. Endorphine! You iz my new best fwiend!’
Seriously, this was one of the most amazing and invigorating experiences I’ve ever had. It didn’t really hurt but it did feel slightly uncomfortable, in a good way. I can definitely see myself undergoing this again (and again, and again…). I think I even want to learn how to place needles once I get more comfortable around them.

Strange how a person can change. I just opened up an old checklist of mine and needles are on there as a hard limit, hahaha.
I love how as a person I grew so much in the past years and I’m thrilled that I got to share so many lovely and new experiences with a bunch of people who, like me, are on their own little journey of exploration.

The last activity for me was a discussion group about how to approach potential play partners, love interests or even just interesting people you’d like to get to know more. We where with quite a big group but it was still very intimate and I was amazed at how open everyone spoke about their experiences, emotions and how we all managed to contribute in our own ways.

It was running to the end of they conference and we closed it with a huge circle of people where everyone stated how they experienced the day. It was awesome to hear everyone be so positive and how much we all loved the day.

I had to run out pretty much to go see a (frankly fucking BIZARRE!) concert at the Melkweg, so the end was a bit abrupt for me.

Lovely people have started the initiative to get together a GRUE type unconference in the Netherlands.
I’ve always been envious of the US for the awesome activities people develop there and it’s great to know we can probably pull this off in the Netherlands as well

I’ve ordered and paid for my ticket. Unfortunately I can only make it to the day part and not to the playparty (I already had tickets to the Of Montreal concert the same night ) but hey, at least I can get some of the knowledge sharing action in, yay!

Here’s some useful info

AMSTERDAM, 9 OCT 2010 – The Usual Suspects: Kinky Unconference

Imagine a room full of kinksters and everyone has brought something to the party.

It doesn’t matter if you have no experience or experience aplenty.
The people that arrive shape the mini ‘class’ format.
Anyone can share a topic/skill others might be interested in learning.
Anyone can inquire about a topic others might be able to share details about.

This is about hands-on-doing when there’s a physical technique to learn.. and face-to-face communicating when the topic is psychological, or emotional, or meant to be practical as well as educational (say, Anatomy, for instance, or round table discussion groups).

On October 9th, we will be organizing an international kinky unconference in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. Styled after Graydancers’ GRUE, and hopefully a precursor to some real GRUEs in Europe next year, we hope to bring together kinksters from the UK, Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands. You are all cordially invited!

WHAT TO EXPECT

On Saturday, we’ll have a full day of workshops, talks and classes using the “Open Spaces” participant-driven unconference model, sharing knowledge and experience on a wide variety of topics such as bondage, sadomasochism, needle play, emotions, trust, martial arts and rough body play. Classes are initiated by participants like yourself, so if you would like to share your passion (or curiosity) on a certain topic… come join us!

For more information, go to http://usualsuspectsconference.com

The day program will be followed by a play party, and brunch the next day to unwind.

THE SKINNY

When: Saturday, October 9th 2010, 10:00
Where: COC Amsterdam, Rozenstraat 14, 1016 NX Amsterdam
Damage: conference – EUR 20 (EUR 25 at door) / conference + playparty – EUR 25 (EUR 35 at door).

web: http://usualsuspectsconference.com
email: usual.suspects.conference@gmail.com

… or find us on FetLife.

So much eye candy but some of the images just spoke more and I wanted to figure out why.

In an effort to explain the sexiness I present you with some of my brain droppings on these awesome pictures, in no particular order.

What I love about this image is quite simple: His look of ‘I disagree but dammit I don’t have any say in this’, the tape over his mouth telling us all what he should be thinking / saying and the noose around his neck.
This kid knows he fucked up and that he’ll have to take the consequences, he’ll take them in pride though and that’s something I love seeing in a submissive.

I’ve come to realize that as far as titles go within BDSM I probably feel most at home being called Miss or Sir. Yes, I know that I don’t have a penis, bust it’s just so damn sexy to have a guy call a girl Sir, purely cause she’s above him in the food chain.

A girl straddling a bound guy on a chair. It looks as if she’s nibbling his neck or maybe she’s whispering threats up his neck into his ear. With one hand she’s holding a paintball gun to his head.

From this distance her action may actually be lethal, I’m fuzzy on such statistics, and as much as it may seem ‘not done’ to use such an empty threat (after all, which Dominant is going to actually kill their submissive?) this image turns me on for a variety of reasons. First of all the quick and dirty bondage behind the chair, her straddling him and the gun itself pressed to his head.

Assuming this image was shot in a RACK/SSC state of mind the least this image says is that he trusts her with the gun. I kinda think that’s beautiful.

Another one that’s playing with the boundaries of what is SSC and crosses over into the RACK area.

The story this image tells me is so beautifully sadistic that it actually makes me feel romantic (I did mention that I’m a sick individual right?). Imagine kidnapping your beloved little guy and driving out to unknown territory. He might think it’s awesome outdoor sex and for the time being it’s fine that he thinks that.

Once out of the car you continue to tease him, tie him up a bit, so that he’s one of those caterpillar types and gag him so he won’t be as vocal. He’s still thinking that there is some sexy time involved and your inner sadist is just giggling it’s maniacal head off.

After some teasing and pushing through the trees you get to a train track and tell him to kneel. Now that’s the moment you can see the sheer panic rise in his eyes that makes the warm tingly fuzzy feeling of evil crawl through your groin area up your spine.

He’s looking at you, his Miss, his world, his everything and you smile back at him, making sure the ropes are secured to the tracks. You give him a kiss on his forehead and see a few tears swelling in his eyes.

Sneaking off in the distance you tell the cameraman not to spoil the surprise for your little one, since he’s the only one who doesn’t know those tracks are disconnected and out of use for the past 40 years…

She’s smoking a cigarette, maybe even blowing the smoke in his face (it’s a valid fetish you know ). He can see her pussy close but not close enough, maybe even smell it, but as long as she doesn’t give the OK, he’s not getting anywhere near it.

I love how relaxed the woman is looking in this picture and how the man is one ball of tight muscles. He’s straining in every area to control himself, while she is definitely taunting him.

You may need to click this one to see the full size image and realize what’s going on in it. It’s under lit and definitely amateur work, but I love it nonetheless.

What I love about this image is the intimacy and the subtlety of what’s going on. Just some soft and gentle fucking between two lovers, with some gentle throat grabbing and breath play insinuated.

I love neck-bearing pictures. It’s something that ties in with my love for wild animals like wolves and large cats. Showing your neck to another predator is considered showing that you think they are superior to them. By offering them your neck, they can either accept your submission, or tear out the major arteries and kill you.

Last, but definately not least, 2 images that I just find beautiful for obvious reasons.

Both of them are pictures of guys being vulnerable and small. Sitting or kneeling at their Girl, cause in the end the acceptance of who we are, including all our weird fetishes and kinks, the companionship and unprejudiced love is why we’re in this

Unfortunately something crap also happened. I had a run in with a Dumbinatrix.

Dumbinatrix [Etymology];
Derived of the words Dumb [lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted.] & Dominatrix [a woman who plays the dominant role in a sado-masochistic sexual relationship or encounter.].

Dumbinatrix [Practical Example];
A Dominatrix, or Domme, who feels her version is the only version of the truth. There is no room for error on her side and everyone should bow to her whims. Everyone else is a lesser being, yes, that includes you.

As a back story it’s necessary to know that I know more about this person then I care to know. Lets just say that my general opinion of her isn’t positive. However, up till past Saturday I didn’t really have any personal issues with her, besides my decision that I just never wanted to have contact with her.

Aforementioned Dumbinatrix was talking to a friend of mine and apparently she had the coolest party trick ever: she could see what way you swing with BDSM.
She told my friend that he was submissive (which is correct, but she could have easily just seen that since he was getting whipped about an hour ago…) and she went on to pull me into the conversation and said that I was a submissive too.
I pointed out that her observation wasn’t correct and that I was dominant too but she kept stating ‘no, you are a sub’. This pissed me off to begin with but wasn’t the worst part.
After my ‘you know, you don’t know me and you base this on how I stand before you right now, you have no clue how I feel or how I identify at all, so I really think your ‘insight’ is useless‘ she asked me if I was a switch, which I confirmed.

Lo and behold, here comes the part where I got pissed off beyond any reasonability…

‘Oh but switches are not truely dominant, they’re just subs that can’t make up their mind‘. I was flabbergasted and she went on; ‘switches don’t count as real dominants‘. Now, at this point, I was literally biting my tongue. Mostly because what would have come out would NOT have been polite.
I stopped talking to her at that point and went to cuddle another friend of mine.

Later on in the evening she came up to me and said that she was sorry if I felt offended by her gospel of truth. I told her it was irrelevant. She said it wasn’t. I said ‘Yes it is, I didn’t want anything to do with you before tonight and nothing that happened changed that‘.

She pissed me off royally with those stupid remarks but there’s more about her behavior that sits wrong with me.
First: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover;
Just because I cuddle people, suck my thumb and someone tests a whip on my arm, does not make me a sub. Just like me hitting someone, talking sternly or whatever doesn’t make me dominant. It just makes me ME. A curious person that likes to test things.
Second: don’t insult me and then expect me to forgive you as if it’s nothing;
Not only did she voice her narrow minded opinion about me, she pretty much said that all switches (and I have quite some friends who qualify) are ‘lesser beings’. You do not get away with insulting my friends. Period.
Third: Just because you want to treat everyone like crap so you can feel like Mistress Dominatrix Warrior Princes Amazonian Goddess that doesn’t mean all dominants are like that;
I actually prefer treating the people around me as actual human beings. I give everyone a base layer of respect that they can build on (with me) and I hope I get that base layer back. If not, then you are not the kind of person I want to have in my life.
Fourth: You may identify as dominant, but you are not MY dominant;
therefore, any assumptions that I might actually care about what the fuck you have to say about me and who I am are flawed. I don’t give a rats ass. You’re not an important factor in my life. Just a nuisance that helps me stay awake and reminds me that some people are still morons.

Her attitude towards others makes my skin crawl. The way she talks to people as if they are less then her just makes me want to strangle kittens. I wasn’t the only person she graced with her presence and I know that there are more people who felt that she crossed a line in decency. I’m happy that these people noticed themselves that they had a serious case of a Dumbinatrix in front of them.

What I pity though is that people like her give BDSM a bad rep. There are too many people of all the flavors (top, bottom, sub, switch, dom, masochist, whatever!) that operate with a similar MO to hers. They take playpartners by the truckload and spit them out abused and empty once they get bored (which is usually pretty fast). Broken kinksters (in the bad way) that distrust everything and anyone, don’t know where their limits are anymore and feel emptier then ever. In the worst cases people actually disappear out of the scene. Some for a while to recuperate, some forever and we never hear of them again.

Why do I have an issue with that?
Because it’s people like me who keep picking up after these types of people.

I do it because I have a spark with the person that they dropped, because I care about them. Because they might be my friends. And it pisses me off to no avail that a Dumbinatrix fucked up a person so  they need repairing before they can actually give themselves to anyone else. I don’t mind helping out those I love, I really don’t but it’s just such a shame that it’s necessary to begin with.

Playpartners like the above mentioned Dumbinatrix are also one of the reasons why I am picky with D/s-es. I haven’t had a D in my life for 12 years and I’m s-less for about a year now. Not because I want to be, or because there are no great people out there, there are. It’s because I feel there is something more important then just feeding that BDSM-hunger I have. If I make a connection with someone in the shape of a D/s, I want it to have a meaning.

The hunger can be fed by having an awesome support network of friends. Friends that will give you a whipping when you need it, a cuddle when they want to and are there for you not only with actions but with words. People you can trust to look after you for the time being, when you don’t have that special person (or persons) that will actually make that deeper connection with you in your life.

The Dumbinatrix probably doesn’t know that the world can work like that. Because that means they might have to put their wrongfully inflated ego away for a while and have some interest in their fellow human beings. Dumbinatrixes are not capable of this and trying to make them see it is a struggle that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. You can’t point out behavioral errors to people that have no self-reflection.

There is no way the Dumbinatrix will accept the posibility of her not being perfect.
Thus, she never learns.

And we decided to part ways on the road of lurve (does that sound corny?).
It’s a bit painful especially since I really liked this guy, but I know I just can’t do it.
He had the same issue, noticed I was a bit reserved and after about an hour of talking we decided to just remain friends and watch gorey horror together. We’ll see if that even happens, but at least there’s clarity now.

Yes, it hurts, but I’ll survive.

We had a few talks and discussions about how this might work, since we really do like each other and I kept my foot straight. In the sense that I did not want to give in on my sex-life and that I still want to be able to do whatever I want in the BDSM-play sense as well.

After a shitty nights sleep we both made our decisions.

He decided to see how it goes and just deal with my way of life, including all the weirdness. Off course this made me giddy as a schoolgirl, since hey, I like this guy!

Apart from him I had also made a decision. I realized at night that it wasn’t fair to expect him to accept all of me unconditionally yet not respect his limits (since he’s mono). And I really wanted to find a middle ground that we could live with while we try and see where this is going.

The thing he has the most difficulty with is the sexual part. Which surprised me to be honest. I mean, I mostly hear people who can’t deal with poly relationships that they find it hard to deal with the fact that your partner is emotionally involved with more then just one person. The emotional and the BDSM he can deal with (save the sexual explicit things), but having to share me sexually would be more difficult.

Since I want to see how this could develop I decided I could go sexually mono for this guy in the beginning of whatever this is going to be (I don’t like labeling it as a relationship). Sounds logical right?

Right?!

A big decision and right now I’m starting to realize it might not have been the best I’ve ever made.
Yeah, only 2 weeks into this decision I’m already finding out this is something I’m just not cut out to be. Or maybe I don’t want to be cut out for this which is highly plausible.

So I guess there will be yet another serious talk in my near future and it might even end something that I was hoping could work.

No, that’s not it. I just don’t know if I can update some of the things that happen in my life.
As rediculous as it sounds I keep writing blog entries that end up not getting posted because I just don’t feel comfortable sharing the contents with some people. I should probably look into posting them private, cause I miss not having my life on paper.

Partially I found a great little replacement in twitter to just update on the fly, but all those great blog ideas and the huge back stories the updates have just get lost on the huge information overload.

Recently I discovered that even people who have an open mind to alternative lifestyles can be belittling and harsh about the choices I make in life. It kinda hit home and I really don’t like it, but I can’t expect everyone to accept my way of life.
On the other hand, it’s a matter of respect. You don’t have to agree with me or anything, just don’t judge my life because it’s not the way you would live it.

This personal filter I put up on myself (and my blogging) is really bugging me, so I think I’ll just go ahead and ignore it from now on. If people don’t like what they read, they can always just ignore it and be done with it. There is no way in life to please every single person
And in the end, I only need to please myself