Archive for category PolyAmory
The Mono-Experiment: Fail
Posted by Seska in Life in general, PolyAmory on August 2, 2010
So, the talk was talked…
And we decided to part ways on the road of lurve (does that sound corny?).
It’s a bit painful especially since I really liked this guy, but I know I just can’t do it.
He had the same issue, noticed I was a bit reserved and after about an hour of talking we decided to just remain friends and watch gorey horror together. We’ll see if that even happens, but at least there’s clarity now.
Yes, it hurts, but I’ll survive.
The Mono-Experiment
Posted by Seska in BDSM, Life in general, PolyAmory on August 2, 2010
So, about a few months ago I started dating a guy that I actually rather like.
Went out a couple of times and he’s a great guy.
As always I’ve been up front about how my life works. The weird love life (I’m not only Poly, I’m also open, yes, I have fuckbuddies
), the kinks, the whole 9 yards.
He understands every bit of it but after a few weeks of dating we did have to address it. See, here’s where it gets sort of complicated; he’s mono and more vanilla then kinky (why do I keep falling for these guys!?).
We had a few talks and discussions about how this might work, since we really do like each other and I kept my foot straight. In the sense that I did not want to give in on my sex-life and that I still want to be able to do whatever I want in the BDSM-play sense as well.
After a shitty nights sleep we both made our decisions.
He decided to see how it goes and just deal with my way of life, including all the weirdness. Off course this made me giddy as a schoolgirl, since hey, I like this guy!
Apart from him I had also made a decision. I realized at night that it wasn’t fair to expect him to accept all of me unconditionally yet not respect his limits (since he’s mono). And I really wanted to find a middle ground that we could live with while we try and see where this is going.
The thing he has the most difficulty with is the sexual part. Which surprised me to be honest. I mean, I mostly hear people who can’t deal with poly relationships that they find it hard to deal with the fact that your partner is emotionally involved with more then just one person. The emotional and the BDSM he can deal with (save the sexual explicit things), but having to share me sexually would be more difficult.
Since I want to see how this could develop I decided I could go sexually mono for this guy in the beginning of whatever this is going to be (I don’t like labeling it as a relationship). Sounds logical right?
Right?!
A big decision and right now I’m starting to realize it might not have been the best I’ve ever made.
Yeah, only 2 weeks into this decision I’m already finding out this is something I’m just not cut out to be. Or maybe I don’t want to be cut out for this which is highly plausible.
So I guess there will be yet another serious talk in my near future and it might even end something that I was hoping could work.
In the Media – BDSM and Polyamory
So, before the big crash of ’09 I did an interview with my college newspaper. The article appeared somewhere in november ’09 and I realised I’ve never put the picture and article up here.
Bad Seska!
At the botom of this post I’ll attach the picture and original article. It’s in Dutch and right now I’m too lazy to translate it, sorry about that for you non Dutchies.
Last week I got contacted by the same college paper and they asked me to participate in a special issue they are releasing about Taboo’s.
A friend of mine will be talking about BDSM and they asked me if I am willing to talk about being polyamorous. Since I love grabbing any opportunity to enlighten the students of Amsterdam ofcourse I said yes.
The interview is tomorow and I’m hoping it will break some more ground for the non conventional relationships that this planet inhibits
Ze heeft thuis geen donkere tochtige kerker waar ze mensen vastbindt, mocht men dat denken. Maar als ze het geld zou hebben, zou een landhuis ergens in het voormalige Oostblok best een optie zijn om zich daar op haar bdsm-passie te storten, zegt Seska.
‘Een passie voor bdsm – bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadisme and masochisme – is natuurlijk van een heel andere orde om eens gezellig te bespreken met je collega’s dan kantklossen of treintjes verzamelen. Ik ben er vrij open in, maar loop er niet mee te koop in
mijn omgeving. Maar ik doe dit omdat ik bdsm uit dat typische Jambers-sfeertje wil halen; het heersende beeld is toch dat het een ranzig wereldje is, vol enge types in leer.Dat ik “kinky” ben en niet “vanilla” – zo noemen we liefhebbers en niet-liefhebbers in bdsm-termen – weet ik vanaf mijn puberteit. Ik liep met mijn zus rond in Amsterdam. We hadden een uurtje over en besloten een bezoekje te brengen aan het Torture Museum. Zij vond het allemaal maar luguber en freaky. Mij fascineerde het geweldig. Ik dacht nog: ik zal wel een kronkel in mijn hoofd hebben. Maar na een rondje op internet en een later vriendje die ook bdsm-minded was wist ik: dit is hoe ik ben. Vanilla-seks: prima, maar niet als enige optie.
De totale overgave, het gevoel van absolute macht die ik over de ander heb, dat geeft me een enorme kick. Dat ík bepaal wanneer iemand los mag en niet eerder, dat geeft mij een goed gevoel. Dat betekent niet dat bdsm zomaar even een potje afranselen is. Het is niet dat ik in de kroeg achteloos een praatje maak en dat we dan meteen gaan spelen. Daar gaat heel veel gepraat en zeer nauwkeurig overleg aan vooraf: hoe gaan we het doen, waar gaan we het doen en tot hoever gaan we. Vooraf nemen we ook het stop-woord door.
Dat is overigens bijna nooit “stop”, want dat roept iemand al vrij snel, terwijl men eigenlijk niet wil dat je stopt. Soms gebruik ik bijvoorbeeld een code als “aardbei”. Dan stopt alles direct. Meteen.Binnen bdsm ben ik vooral gericht op ‘impact play’ – dat wil zeggen: het zweepgebeuren. Een van mijn pronkstukken is een zelfgemaakte zweep van de rubberen binnenband van mijn fiets. Dat was nog best even knutselen. Het is best een dure aangelegenheid, mijn kast puilt uit van de leren handboeien en zwepen en laatst kreeg mijn vriend van mij een dwangbuis als verjaardagscadeau. Kettingen heb ik ook wel, maar die maken vaak zo’n herrie dat ik ze vaak maar laat voor wat ze zijn.’
What they don’t teach you in Etiquette Class
Well I never really had etiquette classes, but I’m assuming this will be one of those things they don’t teach us young guys n dolls in there…
As most of you know I’m poly-amorous, I’m not getting into the entire ‘what does it mean to you’ thing today cause well, I don’t want to.
Simply isn’t why I’m writing this today
No, back to the etiquette thing.
I’ve recently met an awesome guy who I’ve fallen head over heels for, which is all good and awesome.
C. knows (OH! he’s actually diving into his own crush with L. at the moment, it’s so CUTE!) and P. (the latest addition on poly-land) is fine with the situation aswel.
This is pretty much the second time in my life that I’m juggling two men at the same time and it’s very different from the last time this happened.
In this case I am in love with C. and I have a major super mega crush on P.
The situation feels good, I feel great and I think both of them are also good (correct me if I’m wrong there guys).
So whats the issue?
Well as we all know it’s almost December. The time of holidays, fun, sharing of time and presents and a lot of social things we obligate ourselves to.
I will probably spend some time with my Parental Unit at their place (dec 25th) and C. is thinking of tagging along for that. The Parental Unit won’t understand the 2 men thing so we’re fine there, I don’t have to explain anything ![]()
My sister knows everything and is super excited for me. She’s a swinger so can relate to a extent, they are romantically monogamous and sexually open. I, being poly am both sexually but especially romantically available for more then one relationship. So yeah inbetween the christmassy blah I can talk to her and I can sit out the family obligations easily.
Then comes the hard part: friends.
I mean, how does one tackle the entire ‘which man am I taking to what party’ thing?
And how do you introduce your partner?
I’m still uncertain about what I’ll be doing on NYE.
C. might be going to Berlin, not sure yet.
Part of me wants to snuggle away and just be cutesy.
Then again I would also like to go to friends and celebrate with them.
I think P. would fit in fine with said friends but I still feel as if it might be awkward or frowned upon as to who I’d take.
Could also take no one and go alone to whichever (if any) parties I get invited to. But from past experiences I know I have being the solo person on a all couple evening, so if that might be the case I would probably just pass anyway.
The other solution, so easily found actually, is that I organize something!
I could invite all my lovely ‘new’ Amsterdam friends as wel and have them meet the other friends ![]()
I think most of my recently met peeps will get along very well with all the people that have stuck it out with me for so long ![]()
Then again, the city is probably a bitch to get to during NYE and the arrival of JTK (I’ll update on him later) in my house would exclude any dog owners from taking their beloved pooch with them. And I do like them dog owners!
P. had for another idea: celebrate together in the city, check if there’s any metal-ish things going on and we can get our party on then
Anyway, no clue yet and one of the biggest obstacles is the ‘who and where?’ question






