January

The new year started on a serious downer. I was looking at impending unemployment, had to change a lot of shit around to make ends meet with my salary and I really didn’t see how to get out of the valley.
Halfway through the month I got news that I could in fact stay at work, which lifted most of the pressure off of me and enabled me to breathe.

February

The month I decided to install Windows 7 (and I actually like it *gasp*) and I turned 29. The last year as a 20-something girl. February was a bit ‘dull’ as a month. I mostly filled it with enjoying my new Xbox 360 and playing Dragon Age like the good little nerd I am.
I also started postcrossing this month which I still do to this very day. Getitng random cards from strangers in between all the bills and spam just makes me happy. Random acts of kindness are so rare and something we all need so much.

March

March 11th I bought Final Fantasy 13 and played it through to the end in about a week or 2.
Also the month where an interview I gave for the college paper about BDSM appeared.
In March one of my (former) lovers moved to Berlin with his other girlfriend, I missed him dearly but keeping in touch through Skype worked pretty well.
Also had one of my WoW friends over from the US, had an awesome time visiting the van Gogh museum (which I would return to in a few months) and being dorks in general.
I started dating again in March, which I’d continue doing all through the year (quite vigorously too). Experimented with anal sex again and I figured out I’m an oxymoron.

April

The Mumford & Sons month. I must have played this song about 981623476 times in the past year and I still love it to bits.

In this month I got to know people I’ve always loved from a distance and we had talks deep into the night on IRC, went shopping in Amsterdam and went to parties together. In 2010 I’d grow closer to every single one of them, realizing that a family is what you make, not what you get born into.
April was already a warm month in the Netherlands. I spent quite some time reading on my balcony in a makeshift pillow corner. James T. Kirk got to go outside for the first time since he moved in with me in November 2009.

May

May started out with the Hamburg Fetish Fair. I loved every second of it, being in a place where I truly feel I belong. It was also the first time I realized I’ve been aching for a dominant party in my life (the job is still open, lol) and where I finally admitted to myself that age play pushes my buttons (everyone else already knew apparently, thanks for notifying me guys ). I bought myself a present, handcuffs, custom made by Matthias Fuchs from Nonon de Florette. It would take about a month for them to arrive but they where worth the wait.
Installed Spotify on my iPhone, still using it to this day and loving it a lot. Making playlists based on series I watch (Supernatural, True Blood).
Also the month where the dynamic duo of ‘Lof & Wichtje’ was born. Still going strong with my purely platonic lesbian lover :’)

June

June was probably one of the busiest months for me.
Had my first couchsurfer over since forever. We had a blast walking around Amsterdam, indulging in extracurricular activities and stood next to Kofi Anan in the Rijksmuseum. Exchanged some words with one of the most powerful men on earth and in fitting Seska fashion off course I didn’t realize who he was until we where out of the museum, lol.
I finally got into the groove of hanging out on terrace’s with co-workers in the sun and had my first ever Marroccan barbecue with my co-workers, including my first ever bong smoking (it was just apple tobacco!).
Elections where going strong in the Netherlands and it took a record time (well almost) to actually form a coalition and a government. I followed the elections closely and indulged in the live twitter thing people do at huge events like this.
Found a new doctor who got me shifted to other meds which are working way better for me. I’m tired less and feel better in general. My doc knows about my BDSM lifestyle and she’s not judgmental at all, she rocks.

July

Big decisions to be made. I got another position offered to me at work and after some pro’s and con’s decided not to do it.
Soccer was high in this month, but I ignored it pretty well (I don’t have any interest in the sport ).
More dating! I really like OKCupid for dating to be honest. I’ve tried some other sites but I’m not willing to pay for a dating service.
Kink related dating sites still suck balls by the way, maybe I should look into setting one up that isn’t horrendous.
I discovered that dating a vanilla and monogamous creature just doesn’t work for me. Especially not when they force me into thinking mono again.
Also discovered that there are some awesomely cute kink friendly, cuddle addicted,  poly nerds out there that DO get how I want to live my life and started dating one.
Had my IUD replaced for the first time, went pretty smooth and only had 2 days of ‘ouch’. Next time to replace it I’ll be 34 (weird thought!).
On July 24th (24/7) I instigated a BDSM tinted picknick in the Vondelpark. Didn’t think it would be that popular but we had a show of around 30 people

August

My mom fesses up that she’d have probably been poly if that was accepted in her time. She knows I’m dating multiple people (with consent in all parties) and loves me for taking my own path.
Henry Rollins live in Paradiso with his spoken word. I love this man with whole of my heart and then some <3
At a party I have a run in with a Dumbinatrix… Frustrating people who test the ends of my patience.
I also tap into my sadistic side by drooling over some pictures of powerplay.
Lost a lover this month. Sometimes people grow apart, sometimes people stomp out of your life in a fit of rage. I stayed pretty calm all through it and it’s okay. Later on in 2010 he’d apologize and we’d be civil to each other.
Played with a D for the first time in err, EONS in August. It was enjoyable and scary. It wouldn’t get a follow up, but at least I know I can submit to someone now.

September

I help out with the Usual Suspects (a kink un-conference) by doing some translating and promotion. Always wished there was more to the Dutch kink scene then there is and as a information-slut I just had to wiggle my way into helping out with this awesome event.
Together with Wichtje and Cuddlebud I go into IKEA just looking for frames (which I won’t find in the right measurements…) and walk out with a chaise-longue for my sofa
The covering of the addable part is a bit of a nightmare though and it will take me about 2 weeks before my ‘new’ sofa is put together.
Went all the way to Belgium to visit friends and had a blast. Great food, awesome conversations and we had fun helping them out paining the room for their (by now born) baby.
Another date, this time with a guy that would turn out to be a bit of a weirdo. Stories that don’t match up and a reminder that not everyone is honest in their relationships.
One of the many attempts in which I try to quit smoking. I’m still working on it today, but I’m already down to 4 – 7 cigarettes a day (opposed to the pack I was smoking a day again).

October

The Usual Suspects un-conference was in this month and lordy did that unearth some major stuff! (LIKE HUGE STUFFS DUDE YOU KNOW RIGHT?). I met awesome new people, saw old friends again, got introduced to needles and after the un-conference I went out with another friend to the weirdest concert this year so far (Of Montreal).
There’s something distinctly disturbing about men in skin tight outfits dancing around with paper mache shrimp masks on their head… I don’t care how kinky I am, that shit just freaked me out!
I discover the Appletini after the much enjoyed PEN!DU!LUM! concert. Dear LORD this beverage was made for me
Started physical therapy for my back (and to build stamina), after the 9 times paid by my insurance Cuddlebud gave me his old training bike. I still ride it 4 times a week
Went to a Sultry Sunday Soiree with Madison Young together with Wichtje and it was awesome. Despite the fact that watching porn with 30 strangers is at the least to say awkward.

November

Once again I got notified that my contract would be terminated upcoming March. It pissed me off (this was the 9th time I would be in this situation work wise). I was depressed and bitter for about 2 – 3 weeks and then decided to just get over it. To my surprise that actually worked like a charm and I just went on to do my job.
November was a good one with a lot of moral support from dear friends (both ways) and a lot of laughs.
The bi-weekly Sessions with Sessie are a staple with me and one of my friends, ordering in Roti every single time and talking about nonsense with each other.
Discovered that my ‘filter’ fades when I smoke THC and I start yelling shit at the TV.
Cuddlebud and I owned up to liking each other more then just a little bit and even though we don’t want to label anything it’s feeling pretty good.

December

Maybe because I’m still in this month, and maybe because it’s just true, December seems like the busiest month I’ve had all year.
Lots of awesome activities with my co-workers, evenings out with friends, relaxing in the snow and concerts and plays with Wichtje.
I celebrated the holidays with friends and loved ones, gave gifts I thought fitted the people and received more love then I even thought possible.
Picked up painting again (this week actually) and last week my manager came up to me with good news.
I can stay at the company for another year if I want. I do, I like my job, I love my life, my friends and my social network.

2011

I’ll turn 30 this year and I’m getting my bachelor degree (promise!).
2011 Is a year in which I’ll work on myself and the relationships I’m in. Be it friends, co-workers or enemies (we all need a nemesis!).

With only ~51 hours to go, I hope 2011 will bring you guys as much awesomeness as I can put into this Mary Poppins bag I have right here
*raises Appletini and winks*

]]> http://www.kinknink.com/archives/288/feed 0 http://www.kinknink.com/archives/244 http://www.kinknink.com/archives/244#comments Sun, 10 Oct 2010 10:00:45 +0000 Seska http://www.kinknink.com/?p=244

“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
- Buddha

“It was like summer camp, when it started, I didn’t know my place and if I’d fit in.
When it ended I just didn’t want to go home.”
- Seska

The quotes above just describes the entire experience I had yesterday during the The Usual Suspects Unconference (TUS).

First of all a HUGE thanks to the facilitators of what I can already call the best conference I’ve ever been to in my life up till now (TUS 2011 might beat it, hahaha).
Second a HUGE thanks to all the people that where there during the day, I think it was a grand total of around 50 / 60 people that participated and I feel proud and honored to have been one of you guys.

I arrived at the COC building around 11.30 and pretty quickly registered and got my name tag sorted (brilliant idea to give the non Dutchies a orange name tag, lol). Apparently I had been the first person to pre-register so I was at the top of the list (Yeah, I’m eager that way). When entering I already got spotted by the lovely Daria and together we went in for a day filled with information.

Still giddy like a schoolgirl since I actually am quite shy in person. I’m just not that great at walking up to people and going ‘oh hai!’ Luckily other people actually do have the balls to do this so I did get into some cool pre-conference talks with lovely people. The coffee was STRONG, but I like it that way, waking up is hard without caffeine, lol. I recognized a lot of people from FetLife and I actually think I also recognized people from some other websites. Strangely, ‘knowing’ these people from the interwebs does make it easier to go up to them and say ‘Hey, I saw your bondage pic on FL, pretty kick-ass!’. I pretty much need a bridge to contact people instead of just doing ‘cold aqcuisition’.

The atmosphere was open and welcoming from the start and I got a awesome hug from Spicy, who I at first didn’t recognize, expecting a burly bald white guy, teehee. I had been helping out with some promotion and spreading flyers in the weeks before and we had some contact about that, it was awesome to finally put a face to a person who (together with the other organizers) managed to create such an awesome event in only 6 weeks time (project managers, eat your heart out!)

We waited a tad bit longer for some of the traffic jam people and after they arrived the conference was opened by a great explanation of the unconference model and how we where going to spend the day. Together we created the program, which at first felt a bit chaotic (I am Dutch after all) but after a few minutes chaos just organizes itself. I love love love seeing a group come together and creating something in minutes that might take a single person weeks.

The program was beefy, I can tell you that! Workshops and discussions included bondage, rope making, neeldeplay, rough body play, prostate milking, female ejaculation, photography, femdom, whips ‘n fun, tantric massage, chocolate fetish (dear lord the pepper chocolate!), ethical slutting, hypnosis and probably a LOT of other things I just can’t recall right now. All these subjects where participant driven and every single person was responsible for making this conference a success (mission accomplished in my humble opinon!).

In between all the workshops and discussions we where taken care of so awesomely by the organizers and friends. The food was delicious (and vegetarian friendly, awesome choice!) and the drink arrangement was simple yet effective. Take a drink? Pay some money in a jar, no need for anyone to be bored behind a bar

The first workshop I attended was Whips ‘n Fun. Given by the ever awesome QT and Hans. Small confessions to be made: I’ve always admired both of them for who they are and how they move around in the BDSM scene. Great people with a vast amount of knowledge and I still feel honored and happy to have been able to participate in their knowledge.
Most of the information about flogging and single tails wasn’t new to me, but it was really great to see the various methods of using both types of whips.
My reason for following this workshop was entirely selfish: I want to learn how to wield single tail whips. All the times that I have wielded these I end up barely hitting the target and having a huge backlash on myself (yes, I managed to whip off my glasses even) and I was wondering what would be handy tips and tricks to get this thing under control.
As it turns out, single tails and the wielding of them really is just a hell of a lot harder then using floggers. What it will take me is practice, a lot of it.
Finally got the chance to handle one of the whips made by Lofty and I already know where some of my (tiny) savings will be going in the next months.

After the whips I sat in on an explanation on tantric massages, very informative and very enlightening how the differences between a normal and a tantric massage actually work. I really liked how genitalia and the likes aren’t ‘skipped’ in massages. After all, it’s just another (intimate) part of your body! This was the first workshop I did apply the law of two feet in. Not because it wasn’t interesting, but because I wanted to head out to the photography area.

Downstairs Chell and Anouk where explaining to the other photo-philiacs how to optimize taking pictures. Daria used to / is one of the people that shoots my pics for the BBW sites (I’ve been inactive for a while now though) and she and Anouk had some great interaction abusing me as a model. I’m a camera whore… It’s a thing I’ve always known but it was so great to be a model again, even just for a little while. They gave some tips (communicate with your model, don’t be afraid to move in, use lighting, use surroundings, use height if you’re smaller, etc) and I’m really curious how the pics taken have come out. I’m also really curious how the pics that Daria takes (even in nilla life) are going to improve just from those few simple tips. You women did an awesome job explaining and teaching!

Next up was a workshop on knife and needle play! Given by a blood-professional and aided by 2 other awesome men who have experience in playing with needles. It was amazing how much I already knew about both types of play but I also learned so many new things! The group asked questions, offered suggestions and at a certain point I felt so at home in this group of people that I realized what I had been missing all these years. Sharing knowledge and experiences is so important to grow as a person and I felt like I grew a mile yesterday At the end of the workshop there was asked if I wanted to try having a needle in me. Now, besides medical reasons I never have needles in me. Quite frankly, before I became a diabetic I was scared shitless of having my blood drawn and the likes. But I did it The lovely Voodoowoman held my hand while a needle was placed in my arm…
‘Oh, Hai Mr. Endorphine! You iz my new best fwiend!’
Seriously, this was one of the most amazing and invigorating experiences I’ve ever had. It didn’t really hurt but it did feel slightly uncomfortable, in a good way. I can definitely see myself undergoing this again (and again, and again…). I think I even want to learn how to place needles once I get more comfortable around them.

Strange how a person can change. I just opened up an old checklist of mine and needles are on there as a hard limit, hahaha.
I love how as a person I grew so much in the past years and I’m thrilled that I got to share so many lovely and new experiences with a bunch of people who, like me, are on their own little journey of exploration.

The last activity for me was a discussion group about how to approach potential play partners, love interests or even just interesting people you’d like to get to know more. We where with quite a big group but it was still very intimate and I was amazed at how open everyone spoke about their experiences, emotions and how we all managed to contribute in our own ways.

It was running to the end of they conference and we closed it with a huge circle of people where everyone stated how they experienced the day. It was awesome to hear everyone be so positive and how much we all loved the day.

I had to run out pretty much to go see a (frankly fucking BIZARRE!) concert at the Melkweg, so the end was a bit abrupt for me.

And we decided to part ways on the road of lurve (does that sound corny?).
It’s a bit painful especially since I really liked this guy, but I know I just can’t do it.
He had the same issue, noticed I was a bit reserved and after about an hour of talking we decided to just remain friends and watch gorey horror together. We’ll see if that even happens, but at least there’s clarity now.

Yes, it hurts, but I’ll survive.

We had a few talks and discussions about how this might work, since we really do like each other and I kept my foot straight. In the sense that I did not want to give in on my sex-life and that I still want to be able to do whatever I want in the BDSM-play sense as well.

After a shitty nights sleep we both made our decisions.

He decided to see how it goes and just deal with my way of life, including all the weirdness. Off course this made me giddy as a schoolgirl, since hey, I like this guy!

Apart from him I had also made a decision. I realized at night that it wasn’t fair to expect him to accept all of me unconditionally yet not respect his limits (since he’s mono). And I really wanted to find a middle ground that we could live with while we try and see where this is going.

The thing he has the most difficulty with is the sexual part. Which surprised me to be honest. I mean, I mostly hear people who can’t deal with poly relationships that they find it hard to deal with the fact that your partner is emotionally involved with more then just one person. The emotional and the BDSM he can deal with (save the sexual explicit things), but having to share me sexually would be more difficult.

Since I want to see how this could develop I decided I could go sexually mono for this guy in the beginning of whatever this is going to be (I don’t like labeling it as a relationship). Sounds logical right?

Right?!

A big decision and right now I’m starting to realize it might not have been the best I’ve ever made.
Yeah, only 2 weeks into this decision I’m already finding out this is something I’m just not cut out to be. Or maybe I don’t want to be cut out for this which is highly plausible.

So I guess there will be yet another serious talk in my near future and it might even end something that I was hoping could work.

Bad Seska!

At the botom of this post I’ll attach the picture and original article. It’s in Dutch and right now I’m too lazy to translate it, sorry about that for you non Dutchies.

Last week I got contacted by the same college paper and they asked me to participate in a special issue they are releasing about Taboo’s.

A friend of mine will be talking about BDSM and they asked me if I am willing to talk about being polyamorous. Since I love grabbing any opportunity to enlighten the students of Amsterdam ofcourse I said yes.

The interview is tomorow and I’m hoping it will break some more ground for the non conventional relationships that this planet inhibits

Ze heeft thuis geen donkere tochtige kerker waar ze mensen vastbindt, mocht men dat denken. Maar als ze het geld zou hebben, zou een landhuis ergens in het voormalige Oostblok best een optie zijn om zich daar op haar bdsm-passie te storten, zegt Seska.

‘Een passie voor bdsm – bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadisme and masochisme – is natuurlijk van een heel andere orde om eens gezellig te bespreken met je collega’s dan kantklossen of treintjes verzamelen. Ik ben er vrij open in, maar loop er niet mee te koop in

mijn omgeving. Maar ik doe dit omdat ik bdsm uit dat typische Jambers-sfeertje wil halen; het heersende beeld is toch dat het een ranzig wereldje is, vol enge types in leer.

Dat ik “kinky” ben en niet “vanilla” – zo noemen we liefhebbers en niet-liefhebbers in bdsm-termen – weet ik vanaf mijn puberteit. Ik liep met mijn zus rond in Amsterdam. We hadden een uurtje over en besloten een bezoekje te brengen aan het Torture Museum. Zij vond het allemaal maar luguber en freaky. Mij fascineerde het geweldig. Ik dacht nog: ik zal wel een kronkel in mijn hoofd hebben. Maar na een rondje op internet en een later vriendje die ook bdsm-minded was wist ik: dit is hoe ik ben. Vanilla-seks: prima, maar niet als enige optie.

De totale overgave, het gevoel van absolute macht die ik over de ander heb, dat geeft me een enorme kick. Dat ík bepaal wanneer iemand los mag en niet eerder, dat geeft mij een goed gevoel. Dat betekent niet dat bdsm zomaar even een potje afranselen is. Het is niet dat ik in de kroeg achteloos een praatje maak en dat we dan meteen gaan spelen. Daar gaat heel veel gepraat en zeer nauwkeurig overleg aan vooraf: hoe gaan we het doen, waar gaan we het doen en tot hoever gaan we. Vooraf nemen we ook het stop-woord door.

Dat is overigens bijna nooit “stop”, want dat roept iemand al vrij snel, terwijl men eigenlijk niet wil dat je stopt. Soms gebruik ik bijvoorbeeld een code als “aardbei”. Dan stopt alles direct. Meteen.

Binnen bdsm ben ik vooral gericht op ‘impact play’ – dat wil zeggen: het zweepgebeuren. Een van mijn pronkstukken is een zelfgemaakte zweep van de rubberen binnenband van mijn fiets. Dat was nog best even knutselen. Het is best een dure aangelegenheid, mijn kast puilt uit van de leren handboeien en zwepen en laatst kreeg mijn vriend van mij een dwangbuis als verjaardagscadeau. Kettingen heb ik ook wel, maar die maken vaak zo’n herrie dat ik ze vaak maar laat voor wat ze zijn.’

As most of you know I’m poly-amorous, I’m not getting into the entire ‘what does it mean to you’ thing today cause well, I don’t want to.
Simply isn’t why I’m writing this today

No, back to the etiquette thing.

I’ve recently met an awesome guy who I’ve fallen head over heels for, which is all good and awesome.
C. knows (OH! he’s actually diving into his own crush with L. at the moment, it’s so CUTE!) and P. (the latest addition on poly-land) is fine with the situation aswel.
This is pretty much the second time in my life that I’m juggling two men at the same time and it’s very different from the last time this happened.

In this case I am in love with C. and I have a major super mega crush on P.
The situation feels good, I feel great and I think both of them are also good (correct me if I’m wrong there guys).

So whats the issue?
Well as we all know it’s almost December. The time of holidays, fun, sharing of time and presents and a lot of social things we obligate ourselves to.
I will probably spend some time with my Parental Unit at their place (dec 25th) and C. is thinking of tagging along for that. The Parental Unit won’t understand the 2 men thing so we’re fine there, I don’t have to explain anything
My sister knows everything and is super excited for me. She’s a swinger so can relate to a extent, they are romantically monogamous and sexually open.  I, being poly am both sexually but especially romantically available for more then one relationship. So yeah inbetween the christmassy blah I can talk to her and I can sit out the family obligations easily.

Then comes the hard part: friends.
I mean, how does one tackle the entire ‘which man am I taking to what party’ thing?
And how do you introduce your partner?
I’m still uncertain about what I’ll be doing on NYE.
C. might be going to Berlin, not sure yet.
Part of me wants to snuggle away and just be cutesy.
Then again I would also like to go to friends and celebrate with them.
I think P. would fit in fine with said friends but I still feel as if it might be awkward or frowned upon as to who I’d take.
Could also take no one and go alone to whichever (if any) parties I get invited to. But from past experiences I know I have being the solo person on a all couple evening, so if that might be the case I would probably just pass anyway.

The other solution, so easily found actually, is that I organize something!
I could invite all my lovely ‘new’ Amsterdam friends as wel and have them meet the other friends
I think most of my recently met peeps will get along very well with all the people that have stuck it out with me for so long
Then again, the city is probably a bitch to get to during NYE and the arrival of JTK (I’ll update on him later) in my house would exclude any dog owners from taking their beloved pooch with them. And I do like them dog owners!

P. had for another idea: celebrate together in the city, check if there’s any metal-ish things going on and we can get our party on then

Anyway, no clue yet and one of the biggest obstacles is the ‘who and where?’ question