Kink 'n' Ink

A friend of mine pointed me towards an article online about fat girls and their lovers. Finally some good press but what struck me is that almost everyone in the article is using a pseudonym instead of their real name. As a fat chick myself and knowing my dating pool (which is often guys and gals who dig fat chicks, or people open about it) I know that the general reaction towards people who are dating a fat chick is worse then the reactions I get on a day to day basis walking down the street (trust me, those reactions are bad and it’s a lot of them, you don’t even want to know).

Sure, everyone likes to pretend that it’s not the case but especially in the Netherlands (where I live) people as a whole are judgemental pricks who like to put down all that is different. I won’t pretend I’m above this, because I’m not. I’m only a human being myself afterall.

Somewhere in the article people are referring to being gay being ‘better’ then having a preference for fat partners. It’s ridiculous when you think about it, but it’s true. There’s been some research in the past that pointed out that boys in high school who discover that they like the maxisexy go through exactly the same stress, peer-pressure and get treated as social pariah’s as boys who discover that they’re gay.

The same can be said for fat chicks and gay men in general. Though being fat isn’t as easy to hide as staying closeted as a 17 year old gay guy. Some people speculate that this is why most gay guys have a fat chick as their preferred faghag. We know what the other party went through in high school. Knowing that the other half of your dating pool will have a hard time admitting that they are attracted to you.

One of the most heard phrases when it comes to guys dating me (or dating fat chicks in general) is ‘but you could do so much better’.
Really…
Would you have said that to the guy if he was dating a brunette instead of a blonde? Or if she had glasses instead of 20/20 vision?!
There is a slim to no chance of me ever spending time with a guy who dated me ‘as a second choice’. I don’t date second choices myself either (I think I deserve better than that, everyone does). Belitteling people for their relationship choices is sad, doubting their sanity is even worse.

Being ridiculed in high school for being fat was something that didn’t happen that much to me. When I was 13 I got into a fight about it with someone and I walked away while they had to go to the school nurse. No, I’m not proud of this and I’m not a physically aggressive person, but this guy was pushing my buttons over and over until he actually shoved me and I snapped. After that though, no one hassled me. I learned to be deflective by using one of my many traits, humor and a sassy attitude. I still use both of those things today to deflect and the combination of it made me into a tremendous flirting machine. Though I didn’t learn that till well into my 20′s.

From my 14th to my 25th (give or take) 49 out of 50 guys who would approach me would turn out to be asshats who just wanted to pull a prank at expense of the fat chick. And that is probably why I’m one of those people who are quite hard to date. With every guy who approaches me all my alarms go online to the extreme. I seem cool at first, uninterested maybe even. Because yes, I am indeed wondering when your friends will catch up and everyone will have a laugh at the gullible fat chick.
I know that there is a chance that you are attracted to me because I’m simply your type. That you’re probably overcoming your own social fears by hitting on me, but it will take time for me to actually believe that and feel it.

So, some people think that getting a fat chick is easier. Maybe because of the self-esteem issues we (well I) have, but I can assure you, we’re not. I for one have learned to trust my instincts, maybe a bit too good even. I’m definitely not an easy woman to court. Next to all the insecurities any woman might have, I have the added bonus of people paving the way with retarded actions that have made me cautious of anyone approaching me. One of the things that will assure me is letting me know that you’re aware of my size, and letting me know you’re okay with it. Or even better, that I’m your type.

YAY! Meeting in The Hague with beloved friends *O*. We assembled over at someone’s house and got served an awesome dinner with freshly made pita bread (super awesome coolbeans!!!). Then we where off to the play party
We arrived around 9 ish I think and I had a great evening. Spoke with a lot of old friends and new acquaintances and just had a blast overall. I still find it a tad bit annoying to have no (play)partner at these parties though, but I’m learning to cope.
My way to cope however is to go into social mode, which is not always the mode I want to be in, but it works to survive those semi empty feelings on the inside
I was having a weird night and was switching all over the place but I stabilized myself by just hanging out and being sociable

Unfortunately something crap also happened. I had a run in with a Dumbinatrix.

Dumbinatrix [Etymology];
Derived of the words Dumb [lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted.] & Dominatrix [a woman who plays the dominant role in a sado-masochistic sexual relationship or encounter.].

Dumbinatrix [Practical Example];
A Dominatrix, or Domme, who feels her version is the only version of the truth. There is no room for error on her side and everyone should bow to her whims. Everyone else is a lesser being, yes, that includes you.

[...]

As I said before, I suck at updating.

No, that’s not it. I just don’t know if I can update some of the things that happen in my life.
As rediculous as it sounds I keep writing blog entries that end up not getting posted because I just don’t feel comfortable sharing the contents with some people. I should probably look into posting them private, cause I miss not having my life on paper.

Partially I found a great little replacement in twitter to just update on the fly, but all those great blog ideas and the huge back stories the updates have just get lost on the huge information overload.

Recently I discovered that even people who have an open mind to alternative lifestyles can be belittling and harsh about the choices I make in life. It kinda hit home and I really don’t like it, but I can’t expect everyone to accept my way of life.
On the other hand, it’s a matter of respect. You don’t have to agree with me or anything, just don’t judge my life because it’s not the way you would live it.

This personal filter I put up on myself (and my blogging) is really bugging me, so I think I’ll just go ahead and ignore it from now on. If people don’t like what they read, they can always just ignore it and be done with it. There is no way in life to please every single person
And in the end, I only need to please myself

So, I’ve never been a big fan of dress codes, it’s not a secret.
Yes I see the use of them in keeping away people that aren’t ‘appropriate’ to an activity but at the same time they entirely miss their goal half the time when enforced.

Let’s be realistic, as I’ve experienced in the past, the wanker that paid 10$ for his PVC undies is welcomed into the Dungeon 8 out of 10 times and if you know the DoorBitch (terrible phrase BTW, I would not be amused by that term if I where one of them) you’ll probably get in anyway.

Now, you’d think this would be a kink only kinda deal right?
Like, if I’d wear my white jeans and a paisley shirt to a BDSM play party or a Fetish shindig, Right?

Wrong! [...]

Yesterday I had a meeting with my manager about how work is coming along. I have these chitchats once a week and I didn’t think much of yesterdays talk.

In his office though it was obvious that this wasn’t the normal monthly talk.
He started out saying he had some bad news and immediately my heart sunk.

The company I work for has to make budget cuts. At first we where assured that those cuts wouldn’t be made in personnel. Simply cause they need every single one of us.

Unfortunately it’s come down to just that though.

My contract will not be renewed in March. [...]