So much eye candy but some of the images just spoke more and I wanted to figure out why.

In an effort to explain the sexiness I present you with some of my brain droppings on these awesome pictures, in no particular order.

What I love about this image is quite simple: His look of ‘I disagree but dammit I don’t have any say in this’, the tape over his mouth telling us all what he should be thinking / saying and the noose around his neck.
This kid knows he fucked up and that he’ll have to take the consequences, he’ll take them in pride though and that’s something I love seeing in a submissive.

I’ve come to realize that as far as titles go within BDSM I probably feel most at home being called Miss or Sir. Yes, I know that I don’t have a penis, bust it’s just so damn sexy to have a guy call a girl Sir, purely cause she’s above him in the food chain.

A girl straddling a bound guy on a chair. It looks as if she’s nibbling his neck or maybe she’s whispering threats up his neck into his ear. With one hand she’s holding a paintball gun to his head.

From this distance her action may actually be lethal, I’m fuzzy on such statistics, and as much as it may seem ‘not done’ to use such an empty threat (after all, which Dominant is going to actually kill their submissive?) this image turns me on for a variety of reasons. First of all the quick and dirty bondage behind the chair, her straddling him and the gun itself pressed to his head.

Assuming this image was shot in a RACK/SSC state of mind the least this image says is that he trusts her with the gun. I kinda think that’s beautiful.

Another one that’s playing with the boundaries of what is SSC and crosses over into the RACK area.

The story this image tells me is so beautifully sadistic that it actually makes me feel romantic (I did mention that I’m a sick individual right?). Imagine kidnapping your beloved little guy and driving out to unknown territory. He might think it’s awesome outdoor sex and for the time being it’s fine that he thinks that.

Once out of the car you continue to tease him, tie him up a bit, so that he’s one of those caterpillar types and gag him so he won’t be as vocal. He’s still thinking that there is some sexy time involved and your inner sadist is just giggling it’s maniacal head off.

After some teasing and pushing through the trees you get to a train track and tell him to kneel. Now that’s the moment you can see the sheer panic rise in his eyes that makes the warm tingly fuzzy feeling of evil crawl through your groin area up your spine.

He’s looking at you, his Miss, his world, his everything and you smile back at him, making sure the ropes are secured to the tracks. You give him a kiss on his forehead and see a few tears swelling in his eyes.

Sneaking off in the distance you tell the cameraman not to spoil the surprise for your little one, since he’s the only one who doesn’t know those tracks are disconnected and out of use for the past 40 years…

She’s smoking a cigarette, maybe even blowing the smoke in his face (it’s a valid fetish you know ). He can see her pussy close but not close enough, maybe even smell it, but as long as she doesn’t give the OK, he’s not getting anywhere near it.

I love how relaxed the woman is looking in this picture and how the man is one ball of tight muscles. He’s straining in every area to control himself, while she is definitely taunting him.

You may need to click this one to see the full size image and realize what’s going on in it. It’s under lit and definitely amateur work, but I love it nonetheless.

What I love about this image is the intimacy and the subtlety of what’s going on. Just some soft and gentle fucking between two lovers, with some gentle throat grabbing and breath play insinuated.

I love neck-bearing pictures. It’s something that ties in with my love for wild animals like wolves and large cats. Showing your neck to another predator is considered showing that you think they are superior to them. By offering them your neck, they can either accept your submission, or tear out the major arteries and kill you.

Last, but definately not least, 2 images that I just find beautiful for obvious reasons.

Both of them are pictures of guys being vulnerable and small. Sitting or kneeling at their Girl, cause in the end the acceptance of who we are, including all our weird fetishes and kinks, the companionship and unprejudiced love is why we’re in this

Unfortunately something crap also happened. I had a run in with a Dumbinatrix.

Dumbinatrix [Etymology];
Derived of the words Dumb [lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted.] & Dominatrix [a woman who plays the dominant role in a sado-masochistic sexual relationship or encounter.].

Dumbinatrix [Practical Example];
A Dominatrix, or Domme, who feels her version is the only version of the truth. There is no room for error on her side and everyone should bow to her whims. Everyone else is a lesser being, yes, that includes you.

As a back story it’s necessary to know that I know more about this person then I care to know. Lets just say that my general opinion of her isn’t positive. However, up till past Saturday I didn’t really have any personal issues with her, besides my decision that I just never wanted to have contact with her.

Aforementioned Dumbinatrix was talking to a friend of mine and apparently she had the coolest party trick ever: she could see what way you swing with BDSM.
She told my friend that he was submissive (which is correct, but she could have easily just seen that since he was getting whipped about an hour ago…) and she went on to pull me into the conversation and said that I was a submissive too.
I pointed out that her observation wasn’t correct and that I was dominant too but she kept stating ‘no, you are a sub’. This pissed me off to begin with but wasn’t the worst part.
After my ‘you know, you don’t know me and you base this on how I stand before you right now, you have no clue how I feel or how I identify at all, so I really think your ‘insight’ is useless‘ she asked me if I was a switch, which I confirmed.

Lo and behold, here comes the part where I got pissed off beyond any reasonability…

‘Oh but switches are not truely dominant, they’re just subs that can’t make up their mind‘. I was flabbergasted and she went on; ‘switches don’t count as real dominants‘. Now, at this point, I was literally biting my tongue. Mostly because what would have come out would NOT have been polite.
I stopped talking to her at that point and went to cuddle another friend of mine.

Later on in the evening she came up to me and said that she was sorry if I felt offended by her gospel of truth. I told her it was irrelevant. She said it wasn’t. I said ‘Yes it is, I didn’t want anything to do with you before tonight and nothing that happened changed that‘.

She pissed me off royally with those stupid remarks but there’s more about her behavior that sits wrong with me.
First: Don’t judge a book by it’s cover;
Just because I cuddle people, suck my thumb and someone tests a whip on my arm, does not make me a sub. Just like me hitting someone, talking sternly or whatever doesn’t make me dominant. It just makes me ME. A curious person that likes to test things.
Second: don’t insult me and then expect me to forgive you as if it’s nothing;
Not only did she voice her narrow minded opinion about me, she pretty much said that all switches (and I have quite some friends who qualify) are ‘lesser beings’. You do not get away with insulting my friends. Period.
Third: Just because you want to treat everyone like crap so you can feel like Mistress Dominatrix Warrior Princes Amazonian Goddess that doesn’t mean all dominants are like that;
I actually prefer treating the people around me as actual human beings. I give everyone a base layer of respect that they can build on (with me) and I hope I get that base layer back. If not, then you are not the kind of person I want to have in my life.
Fourth: You may identify as dominant, but you are not MY dominant;
therefore, any assumptions that I might actually care about what the fuck you have to say about me and who I am are flawed. I don’t give a rats ass. You’re not an important factor in my life. Just a nuisance that helps me stay awake and reminds me that some people are still morons.

Her attitude towards others makes my skin crawl. The way she talks to people as if they are less then her just makes me want to strangle kittens. I wasn’t the only person she graced with her presence and I know that there are more people who felt that she crossed a line in decency. I’m happy that these people noticed themselves that they had a serious case of a Dumbinatrix in front of them.

What I pity though is that people like her give BDSM a bad rep. There are too many people of all the flavors (top, bottom, sub, switch, dom, masochist, whatever!) that operate with a similar MO to hers. They take playpartners by the truckload and spit them out abused and empty once they get bored (which is usually pretty fast). Broken kinksters (in the bad way) that distrust everything and anyone, don’t know where their limits are anymore and feel emptier then ever. In the worst cases people actually disappear out of the scene. Some for a while to recuperate, some forever and we never hear of them again.

Why do I have an issue with that?
Because it’s people like me who keep picking up after these types of people.

I do it because I have a spark with the person that they dropped, because I care about them. Because they might be my friends. And it pisses me off to no avail that a Dumbinatrix fucked up a person so  they need repairing before they can actually give themselves to anyone else. I don’t mind helping out those I love, I really don’t but it’s just such a shame that it’s necessary to begin with.

Playpartners like the above mentioned Dumbinatrix are also one of the reasons why I am picky with D/s-es. I haven’t had a D in my life for 12 years and I’m s-less for about a year now. Not because I want to be, or because there are no great people out there, there are. It’s because I feel there is something more important then just feeding that BDSM-hunger I have. If I make a connection with someone in the shape of a D/s, I want it to have a meaning.

The hunger can be fed by having an awesome support network of friends. Friends that will give you a whipping when you need it, a cuddle when they want to and are there for you not only with actions but with words. People you can trust to look after you for the time being, when you don’t have that special person (or persons) that will actually make that deeper connection with you in your life.

The Dumbinatrix probably doesn’t know that the world can work like that. Because that means they might have to put their wrongfully inflated ego away for a while and have some interest in their fellow human beings. Dumbinatrixes are not capable of this and trying to make them see it is a struggle that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. You can’t point out behavioral errors to people that have no self-reflection.

There is no way the Dumbinatrix will accept the posibility of her not being perfect.
Thus, she never learns.

And we decided to part ways on the road of lurve (does that sound corny?).
It’s a bit painful especially since I really liked this guy, but I know I just can’t do it.
He had the same issue, noticed I was a bit reserved and after about an hour of talking we decided to just remain friends and watch gorey horror together. We’ll see if that even happens, but at least there’s clarity now.

Yes, it hurts, but I’ll survive.

We had a few talks and discussions about how this might work, since we really do like each other and I kept my foot straight. In the sense that I did not want to give in on my sex-life and that I still want to be able to do whatever I want in the BDSM-play sense as well.

After a shitty nights sleep we both made our decisions.

He decided to see how it goes and just deal with my way of life, including all the weirdness. Off course this made me giddy as a schoolgirl, since hey, I like this guy!

Apart from him I had also made a decision. I realized at night that it wasn’t fair to expect him to accept all of me unconditionally yet not respect his limits (since he’s mono). And I really wanted to find a middle ground that we could live with while we try and see where this is going.

The thing he has the most difficulty with is the sexual part. Which surprised me to be honest. I mean, I mostly hear people who can’t deal with poly relationships that they find it hard to deal with the fact that your partner is emotionally involved with more then just one person. The emotional and the BDSM he can deal with (save the sexual explicit things), but having to share me sexually would be more difficult.

Since I want to see how this could develop I decided I could go sexually mono for this guy in the beginning of whatever this is going to be (I don’t like labeling it as a relationship). Sounds logical right?

Right?!

A big decision and right now I’m starting to realize it might not have been the best I’ve ever made.
Yeah, only 2 weeks into this decision I’m already finding out this is something I’m just not cut out to be. Or maybe I don’t want to be cut out for this which is highly plausible.

So I guess there will be yet another serious talk in my near future and it might even end something that I was hoping could work.

No, that’s not it. I just don’t know if I can update some of the things that happen in my life.
As rediculous as it sounds I keep writing blog entries that end up not getting posted because I just don’t feel comfortable sharing the contents with some people. I should probably look into posting them private, cause I miss not having my life on paper.

Partially I found a great little replacement in twitter to just update on the fly, but all those great blog ideas and the huge back stories the updates have just get lost on the huge information overload.

Recently I discovered that even people who have an open mind to alternative lifestyles can be belittling and harsh about the choices I make in life. It kinda hit home and I really don’t like it, but I can’t expect everyone to accept my way of life.
On the other hand, it’s a matter of respect. You don’t have to agree with me or anything, just don’t judge my life because it’s not the way you would live it.

This personal filter I put up on myself (and my blogging) is really bugging me, so I think I’ll just go ahead and ignore it from now on. If people don’t like what they read, they can always just ignore it and be done with it. There is no way in life to please every single person
And in the end, I only need to please myself

I found out a raise is impossible. So theres not much I will gain.

And my own manage asked me something yesterday. If I want to play a significant role it the courses they are developing for people aged 15-30.
Working with youth again, it is my passion. And a bigger opportunity in the end.

Thank you guys for thinking along with me!

I talked to the manager and asked her a lot of things about the work that they do (it differs quite a bit from my current job) and today I also spoke with the co-worker that referred me to ask her why she thought of me.
It’s funny to hear how high people have me when it comes to my job and a tad bit scary, since I’m still very insecure about the work that I do.
She’s convinced I can do the job and she knows me quite well (we spend a lot of time together because I have to prep some of my clients to be transferred to her) professionally speaking.

In all, it sounds pretty great, but I’m still hesitant.
I’m a person of habit and changing habits is scary shit batman!

So here we go, the good and the bad sides to making this change:
+ New challenge
+ Shorter treatment plans
+ No more mediation between badly reachable workplaces
+ Less intake sessions

- Not as great a team of co-workers
- No experience in the treatment plans they do
- Will have to prove myself to another manager all over again
- More complex problems in the clients
- Higher workload

My biggest objections right now are changing teams (I really love the team I work in) and the fact that I don’t know if I can pull off this other job.
According to my co-worker the latter is bullshit. I was afraid I couldn’t do my current job either and I’m pretty much acing it…

Edit:
I’ve also thought about the money thing…
Right now I don’t mind if I don’t get this position, but if I do, I think I want a raise.
At least 1 step higher on the payment ladder to be honest.
From what I keep hearing this job is more demanding in stress-levels and time consumption and I already get payed too little as it is…

Constructive feedback (or as my manager hilariously calls it ‘feedforward’) wanted

Last week was hectic. A lot of appointments and social things surrounded by work work and work.

Monday I went to my new doc again. And she’s pretty awesome I can tell you that. My bloodwork cane back troubling her so she asked me to come in. We discussed the different options there are for my diabetes and eventually we decided to change my meds. I’m taking more metformine now and I have some added meds that will rev up my GLP1 values. I also have to go back to working out. Luckily she’s making it so I can deduct it from my healthcare.

Then the scariest thing: all my STD tests came back. Now. I practice safe sex and I’ve always gotten tested before I’d be fluid bound to anyone. But still, you never know what’s going on and condoms can break, etc. It had been 2 years since I had my last tests and I was surprised how anxious I felt about it again.
I’m clear though no STD’s *O*

I told her I practice BDSM and am poly/open. She responded so awesomely to it, pretty much blew my mind.
She just asked me if I do everything safe and if it’s consensual. Besides that she saw no issue whatsoever with it. Poly seemed complicated and a lot of work to her, but in al she was very accepting and open about the information. She asked me if I wanted it to be inserted into my file an after a bit of talking we decided to leave it out. Never know where my file will end up and despite her being awesome I know out of experience that there are a lot of shitty docs.

So yeah, if you need a good GP in Amsterdam, I can send you her way

At the German Fetish Fair in May I met the awesome Matthias Füchs from Nonón de Florette.
He makes beautiful BDSM-attributes, jewelery and furniture and I decided to spoil myself with a set of his cuffs and a matching collar.
He made them to my measurements (which he took at the fair) and I am still stunned with the way they look, feel, smell and wear.

Yes I’m a huge fan and I’ll stay one for a long long time.

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